Those Complex AV Arguments Simplified

If God gave you a boxing glove with a horseshoe in it and locked you in in a cell for all eternity, would you rather have David Cameron for a cellmate than Nick Clegg?

Voters Struggling To Care Two Hoots About Referendum

God, the tension

With polling stations opening tomorrow, both sides of the AV referendum have pulled out all the stops in trying to convince the electorate that changing the First Past The Post system to something not exactly a million miles from the First Past The Post system in some way represents the most momentous decision that the British public will ever have to take.

PM David Cameron and Labour head boy Ed Miliband struggled manfully in the House of Commons to make their tedious sparring seem like the ultimate, apocalyptic battle between good and evil.

Meanwhile, MPs of all parties kept unhelpfully diverting the attention of anyone bored enough to actually watch BBC Parliament with trivial tittle-tattle like tuition fees, cuts to police numbers and some tosh about council elections, as if they mattered in some way to voters.

On the eve of the election, the social networking sites are alive with vitriolic arguments as families and friends are brutally torn asunder by the vexed issue of whether the Alternate Vote will truly put the people in charge of parliament at last, or just lead confused voters to commit mass suicide in the polling booths as they struggle to fathom whether their vote somehow expands to infinity if a candidate they gave marks to gets divided by zero when they are eliminated.

Alternative Voting System Will Disenfranchise The Thick, Say Opponents

She can't even count her own kids, for god's sake

The ‘NO To AV’ campaign claimed today that, if introduced, the new voting system would effectively disenfranchise poor people - pointing out that they are all as thick as two short planks, and would almost certainly spoil their ballots by drawing leaking penises on them out of sheer mindless frustration.

“The poor are complete and utter fuckwits,” explained Joan Ryan, deputy director of the campaign. “They must be, or they wouldn’t be poor. There’s no way that your typical council-estate fucktard could possibly grasp the complex abstraction of putting a 1 by their first choice, a 2 by their second and so forth, because none of them can count that far.”

“Look at what happened in Australia, where they have AV,” she went on. “Last year they spoiled over five times as many ballot papers as we did. Now, we all know Australians are notoriously ignorant - but are they as pig-headedly and belligerently dense as the typical British chav? At least the Australians have got the sense to wear sunscreen.”

"This isn't us being patronising or talking down to people,” she added. “This is a fact and it is a very real concern. Many of the people who count votes up and down the land are well past retirement age, and the sudden sight of a crudely-pencilled phallus could well lead to fatalities.”