Thursday, 7 April 2011

Doctors Speculate On Possible Link Between Depression And Seeing All Your Hopes And Ambitions Flushed Down The Toilet

Doctors are increasingly prescribing Prozac for recession
GPs have tentatively suggested that there might be some sort of causal relationship between having all your hopes and dreams for your future and your children cruelly dashed to pieces by an uncaring government and greedy corporations as you contemplate a joyless lifetime of unremitting struggle just to keep a roof over your head, and feeling more than a little glum.

“All day I face a steady stream of hollow-eyed human wreckage telling me, ‘Doctor, I can’t make ends meet any more. My pitiful wages are frozen, my bosses are talking about redundancies, the cost of everything is going through the roof and there’s just no end to it in sight. I feel a bit peaky.' Being a medical man, I can’t help wondering what might be causing this growing epidemic of depression as I bang out another prescription for Prozac, 20mg per diem,” said Dr Graham Foster, a Gloucester-based GP who is rubbing his hands in glee at the prospect of getting his hands on a sizeable chunk of the NHS budget.

“When I was on holiday in Thailand last month I got chatting to another GP at the beach bar and, do you know, he’s finding exactly the same thing,” he added. “It’s beginning to look like an awful lot of people are under the illusion that they’re feeling some kind of severe pain in the wallet area. We laughed and decided it must be psychosomatic, but when I got back I noticed a few of my non-medical friends seemed to be experiencing similar symptoms, albeit to a lesser degree.”

“I decided to conduct a little experiment of my own,” he continued, “So I told my reception team that I was looking at the staffing budget and I might have to forego their pay rise this year and let one of them go, then kept them under clinical observation for a week. Sure enough, one of them went off sick and all the rest seem to be showing the classic symptoms of agitation and stress.”

“You know, we’re starting to think there may be something in this,” said a spokesman for the Royal College of GPs. “Give us a nice little research grant and we’ll be able to tell you more. I reckon about £10m might set the ball rolling.”

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