Police To Sell £100 Tickets For Patronising Slide Show

Haha he got tasered for speeding lol!

Clarksonites who tear along the roads of England and Wales at up to 86mph will be spared the intolerable shame of penalty points on their driving licences, according to new guidelines adopted by 37 police forces, and will henceforth be sold tickets instead for a patronising Powerpoint evening consisting largely of amusingly poor driving culled from the pages of YouTube with complimentary tea and biscuits.

“The fact that the tickets cost £100 each, all of which goes straight into the force’s budget, does not necessarily mean that officers will be handing them out like takeaway flyers,” insisted Jack Dixon, a spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers. “Although offenders will be asked if they’d like to bring a friend or partner, in which case we’ll drive right up that driver’s arse in an unmarked car until the opportunity to sell another ticket presents itself. There’s no reason why punishment for motoring offences shouldn’t have a fun social aspect.”

The ACPO hopes that its members will soon have raised enough cash to make Jeremy Clarkson a tempting offer to narrate a DVD compilation, which will then replace the slideshow.

“Remember,” said Mr Dixon, “This hilarious compendium of scathing Clarkson wit will not be available in shops.”

The ACPO is also considering a similar scheme for criminals who hold up convenience stores, off-licences and post offices, he added, since there seems to be plenty of YouTube footage of people getting that hilariously wrong too.

“I wonder if Mad Frankie Fraser would be interested in a spot of voice-over work?” he mused.