Cameron Urges Britons To Celebrate Heritage He Is Entirely Ignorant Of

The rugged English beauty of Fylingdales

Prime minister David Cameron closed the book on Labour’s discredited ‘Cool Britannia’ brand today, urging the people of Britain to celebrate a rich history which he knows jack shit about.

“We sell ourselves short by refusing to acknowledge the huge tourist potential of Britain’s glorious past,” exclaimed Mr Cameron. “There is, for example, a huge worldwide interest in the dark days of 1940, when the mighty 8th Air Force’s Flying Fortresses were all that stood between London and the Luftwaffe’s bombers.”

“And when we’re holidaying abroad, we really ought to engage servants in stirring conversations extolling the extraordinary virtues of our stately homes, like Graceland and the Palace of Versailles - many of which still bear scars from the Civil War, when they were besieged by the Japanese,” he continued, in a speech from the historic Cabinet War Rooms on the 17th floor of Canary Wharf’s One Canada Square.

“We also have the most wonderful areas of outstanding natural beauty to boast of, when we’re being arrested by a Spanish policeman for disorderly conduct,” he added. “How could Johnny Foreigner’s heart fail to stir at our famous Great Wall of China, built by the Emperor Rosko to keep the Picts out? Why shouldn’t our hearts fill with pride in the pure, unspoilt Fylingdales countryside? Or the lovely Windscale coast in Cumbria, where I have spent many an idyllic summer? And don’t forget to tell your pool cleaner that people still play on the very spot in Yeovil where St Francis of Assisi calmly finished his game of basketball before trouncing the Swiss Armada in 1888.”