Britain Suddenly Notices Gigantic Debt After Only 18 Years

The massive accounting scam by which successive governments since 1992 have run up off-the-books debts which you will be paying off for the rest of your life suddenly entered the public consciousness today, after a bored BBC journalist idly asked the NHS how much all those shiny new hospitals were costing.

The answer – “£65.1bn, and it won’t be paid off until 2048” – will come as an complete shock to the average taxpayer, as it involves boring accountancy stuff rather than celebrities or football and therefore escaped their notice for eighteen long years.

A bastard in an Italian suit gleefully pointed out that, although it has been illegal for years for private companies to conceal such offset deals from their balance sheets, successive governments somehow completely forgot to apply the ban to public bodies. The subsequent tendering jamboree has allowed multinational corporates – many of which, by the strangest coincidence, are also major financial backers of the Labour and Conservative Parties - to line their pockets for years to come, with the added bonus of tying the buildings’ occupants to uncompetitive and poorly-implemented maintenance, cleaning and catering contracts.

Turns out it wasn't needed after all, but cough up anyway

“The biggest laugh in the boardrooms is that current NHS policy is to shunt as many services out of hospitals and into the community as possible,” he added with a thin-lipped smile, pouring himself a large Scotch which you’ll get round to paying for in 2025, “So these hideously-overpriced white elephants will be half empty in years to come, and you’ll still be paying full whack for them. Cheers.”

“God knows how taxpayers will react when they find out that just about every new school, university building and infrastructure project for years has been bought on the never-never,” admitted a spokesman for the Treasury today, “Let alone various contracts for things like military training and maintenance. I dare say they’ll roll their eyes, pretend it doesn’t really concern them and get back to sharing a 35-year-old millionaire’s awful disappointment at being released from the tiresome duty of running round every few years for the England squad at a fraction of his normal going rate. Then we can get back to the important business of putting your children and grandchildren in hock for the rest of their lives, too.”