Lotus Unveils Wanker-Slaughtering Machine

Follow in the footsteps of motorsport legends - top yourself in a Lotus

Insufferable corporate wankers with money coming out of their ears will soon be able to cull themselves by pretending to be Lewis Hamilton, with the aid of Lotus’ new £650,000 toy car, it was revealed today.

The Lotus T125, which comes with a 651bhp Cosworth V8 engine and the customary Lotus disregard for safety features, looks enough like a Formula One car to trick horrible City pricks into thinking that they will be able to hammer round a racetrack at 200mph just like one of the best two dozen drivers in the world - notwithstanding their utter lack of training or experience, other than sitting in a Bugatti Veyron in traffic on the M25 and cursing the government for allowing poor people to drive around in ghastly mass-produced boxes.

The T125 cannot be driven legally on public highways, as any fool can see that is bloody lethal. However, Lotus has kindly set up a unique ‘Lotus Exit club’, whose members will be able to weld tow bars to their Bugattis and haul their shiny new deathtraps to circuits throughout Europe - where they will be able to skewer and dismember their frail bodies at tremendous speed by losing all control of the flimsy vehicle on the first corner, if they somehow manage to dodge the massive fatal pile-up at the start of the race.

Formula One cars normally cost millions of pounds, principally because they are built using state-of-the-art lightweight materials which can withstand the tremendous forces generated when a projectile on wheels suddenly comes into contact with an immovable solid object. Lotus, however, have a long pedigree of killing their drivers by building their cars out of sharp fibreglass, papier maché and cocktail sticks instead.

Costs have also been kept down by eschewing the use of elaborate computer-controlled braking and engine management systems to help the driver to maintain control of the car under high-G conditions, whereas Lotus engineers sensibly pointed out that all that gubbins would be a bit of a waste on a car which is obviously going to be permanently reduced to a wide scattering of components within 30 seconds of some insufferable futures-trading prick starting the engine.

Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson briefly soiled his denims in delight, before nominating Richard Hammond to be the first man ever to disassemble himself at high speed in front of a camera.