Scottish Parliament Struggling To Explain Concept of ‘Doctors’ To Senators

If you can't piss up it, senator, try this

Scotland’s leaders are still making heroic efforts to explain to four US senators what a doctor is, what he does and why it’s none of their fucking business, after receiving a peremptory demand to publish convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-Megrahi’s medical records.

“A doctor is a very clever grown-up who spends lots of years learning all about the intricacies of the human organism, how it works in minute detail, and the many complicated things that might concievably go wrong with it,” said First Minister Alex Salmond for the umpteenth time. “He then applies all of his considerable training and experience to the daunting task of determining to the best of his ability what may be ailing his patients, and trying to predict every possible outcome for every available course of action. It’s quite a bit harder than changing the batteries in a Fisher-Price toy, which would appear to be about the level of the senators’ understanding of medicine.”

“The doctor also has to promise not to tell every Tom, Dick or Harry he meets about a patient’s health,” he added. “Indeed, unless it is in the patient’s interest to divulge information to specific parties, he is obliged to keep it strictly to himself, and not pop a copy of his medical history in an envelope and post it to you simply because you don’t happen to like him.”

“For example, our chief medical officer told us about Mr al-Megrahi’s inoperable prostate cancer because it was in Mr al-Megrahi’s best interests to spend his remaining time on earth in a proper hospital near his loved ones, and we had the authority to let him out of our prison,” he explained in a letter to the senators, annotated with many helpful pictures. “He didn’t tell you because it’s got fuck all to do with you. Sorry if I’m getting a bit technical here.”

Mr Salmond expressed his regret that the senators had clearly failed to piss properly up the rope he sent them earlier, and suggested that it might be easier for them to cut it into four lengths, climb a tree, tie one end to a high branch and the other to the necks they were apparently incapable of winding in, and jump.

“If you have any other sodding insolent questions about anything that doesn’t concern you, I shall of course be happy to offer further advice,” he concluded, adding, “You may wish to have a short pier handy.”