The startling claim was backed up by terrifying photographs of Britain’s most wanted criminal as a small child, with a face several sizes too small for his head. In one foreboding snap, a pre-school Moat stares with cold, hating eyes into the far distance, as if searching for the then-unborn love rival he would one day gun down without remorse.
Moat’s mother, Josephine Grendel, delivered a heartwarming appeal to her estranged thugling in the pages of the Daily Telegraph. “Come home soon – er – Raoul,” she implored, checking his name on a ‘wanted’ poster. “Preferably in a bag.”
Speaking on the doorstep of her inky tarn, she told a reporter from the Mirror who was next in the queue that her evil son once threatened to blow her head off with his deadly pointing fingers.
“Wait, I’ve got a better one,” she added, producing a satisfyingly grim photo of a slightly older Moat scowling directly at the photographer - utterly unmoved by the good news that, by this point in his life, his face had managed to reach more or less the right size. “Remember, that’s copyright. We can sort out the details later, when I’m not so upset.”
Meanwhile, police in Northumberland are concerned that Moat may be hiding in dense woodland undergrowth near Rothbury, possibly disguised as a badger and surviving on acorns which his accomplices may have stockpiled in advance.
“You know on ‘Police, Camera, Action!’ where they use a helicopter with thermal imaging cameras to locate fugitives by their body heat?” said Detective Chief Superintendant Neil Adamson, who is leading the manhunt. “Well, we haven’t got one of those. On the plus side, though, I did manage to requisition an old army flamethrower. It’s only a matter of time.”
He cautioned the terrified residents of Rothbury to avoid going into the woods for their own protection, unless of course they happened to be covered from head to toe in asbestos and wearing an oxygen mask.
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