Ranting Killer Offered Place On Jeremy Kyle Show

After the Sun thoughtfully published gunman Raoul Moat’s rambling, self-contradictory letter today, holier-than-thou ITV chav-baiter Jeremy Kyle today issued a promise that the killer could have an entire show to himself in order to talk through his personal issues.

“Raoul Moat is clearly the dream guest for my show,” explained Kyle in a televised appeal. “His absolute refusal to take a shred of responsibility for his actions, coupled with his irrational diatribe against his ex-girlfriend, the police, doctors and anybody who has ever said ‘no’ to him, qualifies him perfectly as a target for the anger and ridicule of people sitting at home on their fat arses when they should be out earning a proper living.”

“According to his tedious 49-page rant, Raoul seems to have got it into his stupid, working-class head that the police deliberately set Samantha Stobbart up with a new boyfriend just to piss him off,” said Kyle’s wishy-washy sidekick, Graham. “That should be good for a sustained round of laughter from the studio audience. And the fact that he shot both of them at point-blank range should raise a satisfyingly loud ‘boo’ lasting several seconds.”

Mr Kyle is reported to be heading for Northumberland with a contract for Moat to sign, under the terms of which the at-bay killer will surrender himself into Kyle’s custody and allow the opinionated non-celebrity to taunt him with scornful cries of “I’m talking, now shut up and listen!” “Oh, my heart bleeds – now stop whining and get a job” and “Whose name is on that wall? Mine”, in return for several weeks of sitting down with a nodding man who has a degree in sociology.

A police spokesman said that the ideal outcome would involve Moat being shot to ribbons by trained marksmen, but if he wanted to blow Mr Kyle’s head off first they’d be happy to hold off for a day or two and let him get on with it.