“Tornado strike jets of the RAF are using their heat-seeking sensors to hunt down this deadly threat to our traditional way of life,” Wing Commander Bigglesworth told war correspondents at Camp Rothbury this afternoon. “So far he’s given us the slip - but we’ve got plenty of Sidewinder missiles and laser-guided bombs stockpiled for a long campaign, if necessary. On the other hand, there are already several potentially rabid badgers and a feral abandoned dog that won’t be threatening anyone for the foreseeable future.”
The Nev Filter is now embedded on board the assault ship HMS Ocean, which sailed from Devonport this morning and is currently trying to force its way up the River Coquet to the small Northumberland village, where it will assume its role as the anti-Moat task force’s operational command centre. Our war reporter shouted this report into a mobile phone only moments ago:
“Right now I’m looking over the edge of the flight deck, where below me I can see a detachment of the Royal Engineers welding a huge plough-blade to the Ocean’s mighty bows. Standing by are yoked teams of eager combat-hardened marines, impatiently waiting to pick up the ropes and manhandle this mighty vessel upstream, widening and straightening this meandering river as she goes. Soon I shall be climbing into a special reporting pod and carried aloft under a Merlin helicopter, ready to be dropped into the woods at the first sighting of this desperate fugitive.”
Meanwhile, prime minister David Cameron is on the hotline to the White House, trying to persuade the Americans to join Britain in what has swiftly escalated from a police action to a full-blown armed conflict. Top of his wish-list will be permission to launch Trident nuclear missiles from Britain’s submarine fleet, which has been hastily repainted in ‘Jersey cow’ camouflage and parked on trailers behind hedges along the B6341, B6342 and B6344 to guard all routes out of Rothbury.
The government today released pictures of a strategically-important tent used by Moat as a forward headquarters, along with the news that three vital mobile phones used by Britain’s deadliest enemy have been captured intact.
“We have dropped leaflets warning the native inhabitants of the combat zone to stay indoors and keep all doors and windows shut,” said Wg Cdr Bigglesworth, on the hottest day of the year. “I feel sure that these simple patriots would rather die of heatstroke than provide possible shelter to Britain’s enemy - but just to be on the safe side we’ll be dropping napalm on the village from dusk till dawn.”
Britain’s ambassador to the UN is to address the security council later, seeking a resolution condemning Moat. Russia and China are unlikely to vote in favour, but efforts are continuing behind closed doors to persuade them to abstain, while the representatives of North Korea, Cuba, Peru and Brazil have expressed sympathy for the embattled Moat.
It is understood that former prime minister Tony Blair is on his way to the area, hoping to be appointed as peace envoy to Raoul Moat in the event of a ceasefire being brokered between Moat and the British government.
“Mr Blair’s proposal to build a wall around the woods and impose export sanctions, whilst allowing the supply of humanitarian aid for Moat is, frankly, off the agenda at this point in time,” commented David Cameron. “The last thing we want to see is an independent state of Raoul Moat offering succour and training to al Qaeda terrorists.”
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