Queen Only Stuck You For 62p Last Year

Queen Elizabeth II is now officially less of a sponger than that wide-eyed stoner who constantly pesters you for the price of a cup of tea every time you go into town, according to figures released by Buckingham Palace.

Palace officials revealed that the Queen only hit on you for 62p last year to keep her in a variety of cylindrical outfits that may look like they came from Oxfam, but which you know deep down probably cost thousands of pounds each.

The shortfall in the cost of frowzy coats and hideous hats was made up by dipping into the surplus money your parents stumped up back in the glory days when even Princess Michael of Kent was on the blag, said Sir Alan Reid, Keeper Of The Privy Purse, speaking from the Royal Privy where the purse is kept hidden in a big grip-top bag in the cistern.

“The Queen is acutely aware of the current economic climate, but would like to point out that, if she keeps on dipping into the Civil List reserves like this, she’ll be skint by 2012,” he added. “Think about that. Do you really want to see Britain represented at the Olympics by a threadbare bag-lady with her arse hanging out of a pair of cheap trackies from Tesco?”

Hard-pressed Britons responded by suggesting that some of the fusty old royal treasures could be auctioned off on eBay, starting with Prince Philip.