Radio Station Nobody Listens To Will Continue Broadcasting To Thin Air

Millions of people who never listen to the radio but, if they did, might very well tune into Radio 6 Music out of mild curiosity, cheered this morning as the BBC Trust announced that the digital station would not now be facing the axe after all.

“We appreciate that, in this playlist-dominated age, nobody in control of their own bowels actually listens to a radio any more,” said BBC boss Mark Thompson. “Nevertheless, we also recognise that an awful lot of people who don’t even own a digital radio get very vexed at the thought of closing down a radio station that actually plays the sort of wilfully-obscure twaddle they like to tell people they’re really into, when in fact they just listen obsessively to their maudlin old Levellers CDs on repeat play morning, noon and night.”

“Fortunately, all those people who like to think of themselves as right-on didn’t bother to join a Save Asian Network group on Facebook,” he added, “So it’s still ‘goodbye and stick that sitar up your arse on the way out’ to all that jangly-waily crap.”

DJ Lauren Laverne, who presents a show on 6 Music, immediately Twatted her delight at continuing to be paid for playing any old shit.

Shortly afterwards, a new Facebook group of horrified Save Radio 6 Music members called for the immediate closure of Radio 6 Music, reaching 100,000 members within an hour of its formation.

“I didn’t realise that godawful Geordie bum-trumpet was on it,” said one typical commenter. “This changes everything.”

Entire Nation Tunes In To Hear Live Abdication Broadcast

The United Kingdom is in constitutional disarray today, after the abdication of King Wogan I this morning created a vacuum at the heart of the broadcasting system which has left millions questioning the very future of radio in the modern era.

King Wogan has ruled the airwaves ever since the day Marconi sent his first crackling message, and people today simply cannot imagine burning toast or sitting in a traffic jam without his reassuring presence to ease them gently into another tedious day of pointless, devaluing toil for some other bastard's benefit.

During the formal abdication ceremony this morning, prime minister Gordon Brown solemnly broke off from single-handedly saving the world in Copenhagen to express his deep appreciation of the manner in which King Wogan has selflessly carried out his ceremonial duties day after day for over a hundred years.

"I listen to Tony Wigan on the TV every morning as I spoon gruel into my mouth," he reassured the grieving nation. "His self-effacing witty banter always fills me with mirth NB for fuck's sake make an effort to sound cheerful Gordon don't read this bit out obviously A.C."

At the end of the emotional ritual, King Wogan ceremonially handed over to Ken Bruce - who immediately sought to convince a doubt-filled Britain that, one day, history might conceivably judge irritating has-been oddball Prince Chris Evans to be a worthy heir to the BBC crown.

Diehard traditionalists, however, are pinning their hopes on the miraculous return of King Wogan in Britain's direst hour of need, possibly some time in February when he has finished counting all the money he has made from the BBC for hosting Children In Need and the weak, unpopular King Evans has divided the listening nation into warring tribal factions.

Brand Fears For Bummy-Wum After On-Air Actor Abuse Incident

Addled drug-bucket Russell Brand has made a half-hearted apology of sorts to the actor Andrew Sachs after leaving two sweary and abusive messages on the erstwhile Fawlty Towers actor’s answering machine.

The manky-haired, self-adoring comedian - together with obscene money-hoover Jonathan Ross, who was a guest on his Radio 2 show - thought it would be ’funny’ to hurl a farrago of filth down the telephone wires. Both now face fines or up to six months in prison if the police receive a formal complaint, with hardened criminals reportedly queuing up to add either or both celebrity bottoms to their tally sheets.

Brand was severely chastised later in the street by irate Torquay hotelier Basil Fawlty, who screamed incoherently while beating him mercilessly with a tree branch.

Ross, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment as he was busy stuffing his mouth with TV licence-payers’ hard-earned fivers.

Radio Ga Ga

The British government’s Digital Radio Working Group has issued a report proposing that radio broadcasts should switch entirely to DAB by the year 2020.

“DAB is a worldwide standard,” said the group’s chairman, Barry Cox, “Albeit a seriously flawed one with poor error correction, compromised audio quality and limited signal coverage which has only really taken off in Britain and Denmark, where people are notoriously cloth-eared.”

Consumer groups have hesitated to back the group’s call, asking whether Britain really needs a vast mountain of discarded, useless FM radios, closely followed by a mountain of obsolete DAB radios once the improved-but-incompatible DAB+ standard is adopted.