Teachers Looking Forward To Conducting Full Body Searches

Teachers across the country are said to be eagerly trying on latex gloves in preparation for the implementation of the government’s plan to improve discipline in the classroom by allowing them to search pupils for alcohol, drugs, fags, porn, fireworks, mobile phones, MP3 players, cameras, exploding suicide belts, asthma inhalers, crisps and pencil cases.

“Cody-Lee Scowser!” announced headmaster Brian Hemlock at a specially-called assembly at Liverpool’s Sir Gilbert Toxteth Academy, in a scene repeated all over Britain. “Do you remember spraying ‘Mr Hemlock is so gay’ on the school minibus last term, and the worst punishment I could give you was a week in Miss Toynbee’s anger management class when a place becomes available? Well, we’ll see who’s so gay next term, won’t we, when you become my very special glove puppet?”

“Oh - and you might want to make a note of this, because I have no intention of repeating myself,” he added with a wide grin, “Bring your own Vaseline.”