Media commentators were left slavering with delight after Mr Duncan Smith issued a statement about Incapacity Benefit, claiming: “If you have been on this benefit for more than two years, you are likely to die on it.” Their bloodlust rose further when he appeared on the BBC and quoted the sign above the gates to the Auschwitz concentration camp, saying: “Work actually makes you free.”
However, the hungry howls of right-wing expectation turned to yelps of rage when he stood up in the House of Commons and lamely announced nothing more punitive than the same sticks for the beating of the unemployed that had already been introduced by Labour.
“I had a fucking erection the size of Nelson’s column when I heard the quiet man of Tory politics whispering veiled death threats and making what I took to be pretty clear references to gas chambers and ovens,” snarled a furious Paul Dacre, angrily pacing the roof of the Daily Mail headquarters where he bays at the full moon. “Now all he’s come up with is even more fucking CV-writing courses, the useless baldy cunt.”
“I hope Cameron at least had the decency to make that wet fart Clegg take the axe to Duncan Smith’s yellow neck,” he added. “If this is the way it’s going to be, let me just say our support for the coalition isn’t fucking written in stone. I know this much - Nick Griffin wouldn’t have let the dossers lounge around some wanky office suite, swilling free fucking taxpayer’s coffee on tap.”
Over at the Express offices, proprietor Richard Desmond was unavailable for comment as he was busy knocking enough shit out of his staff to fill tomorrow’s front page and an in-depth feature about an imaginary family of seventy chuckling dole cheats swanning around Cheshire in a gold-plated Zeppelin.
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