All Pupils To Be Invited To Set Own Exams

In what is being hailed as the most radical education reform since Plato’s Academy opted out of Athenian state control in 385BC, Education Secretary Michael Gove is writing to every pupil in the state sector, inviting them to write their own GCSE questions and answer them.

“This is all about handing responsibility back to school users,” explained Mr Gove. “It’s about saying to pupils, ‘It’s up to you to decide how incredibly bright and gifted you are.’”

Labour’s Ed Balls denounced the plans as inevitably leading to a two-tier education system that would leave children in deprived inner-city areas at a severe disadvantage.

“It’s all very well saying that students have the freedom to write whatever questions they know the answers to,” he said, “But the fatal flaw in the government’s scheme is that it is predicated upon the ability to write, which simply takes no account of the situation on the ground.”

“Only the other day I was walking through a pedestrian subway on a sink estate, looking for someone to sign my nomination papers, and I was appalled by the low standards I saw in the graffiti,” he explained. “How can somebody whose idea of crushing invective is ‘codey barns = homesexule’ hope to set themselves a range of insultingly simple questions?”

Mr Gove, however, insisted that the youngster responsible had already submitted two questions for her Biology and History GCSEs.

“I fully expect young Whitney Bunce will apply her considerable intellect to fully and articulately answering ‘codey barns = ?’ and ‘who rools?’, and come out with top grades,” he smiled.