Unborn Foetus Not Entirely Happy At Being Tapped For £500

First-time voters who backed the Conservatives had the insufferable grins wiped off their faces today, when Chancellor George Osborne announced that 10,000 fewer of their younger siblings would be going to university this year, thanks to a £670m cut in the education budget.

Their smug faces fell further when Mr Osborne went on to declare that they could wave goodbye to the Child Trust Fund payments they were looking forward to when they reproduce.

“Well, I can’t say I wasn’t expecting this to happen,” said a two-month-old foetus whom we interviewed by ramming a voice recorder up a lady’s baby-funnel. “In the short time since my cells began dividing, I’ve noticed that the people who fuck things up seem to get off scot-free and leave the innocent to pick up the tab – and they certainly don’t come any more innocent than me.”

Those Other Cuts Explained:

£1.15bn in ‘discretionary’ consultancy fees – we’ll have to dream up some other name for our generous contributions to the profits of KPMG and Accenture;

£95m saved on IT projects – perhaps we won’t bother with the extended warranty;

£1.7bn on delaying or cancelling contracts – the next Labour government can pick up the tab for the resulting backlog;

£170m in property costs – let’s shut a few more cottage hospitals in Cornwall, and forget about fixing all that crappy MoD family accommodation;

£120m civil service recruitment freeze – we can always borrow more staff from KPMG and Accenture;

£600m by cutting quangos – bollocks to regional development, and it jolly well serves those bloody Northerners for right for voting Labour;

£520m saved in low-value spending – let’s stop wasting money on things that don’t show much return on the investment. Like the poor.

“Right, well, that’s over five billion saved,” smiled Mr Osborne. “Hooray! This time next year, we’ll only be six billion short. Job done! And well done me, if I say so myself.”