Duchess Of York To Help Raise Funds For Hard-Up Pope

The Roman Catholic Church has announced the recruitment of Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, to raise a few quid to help out with the cost of September’s Papal visit.

“Wiv ahnly a billion or so Catholic pockets to dip ‘is ‘and into, the ‘oly Farva’s a bit strapped for cash right now, wot wiv the soarin’ cost of air conditioning for fahsands of priceless works of art in ‘is cellar like,” Vince Nichols, ‘the Archbishop’ of Westminster, explained to his flock this morning. “An’ all them kiddy-fiddler payouts flyin’ aht in orl dreckshuns dunt zackly ‘elp matters, noworramean?”

“Cam on - pony ap, ya tight buggaz,” he added beatifically. “Or Gawd’s ‘oly vicka on Urf’s gonna be dossin’ dahn in sam Sally Anny ‘ostel. An’ ‘e won’t like that – ‘e won’t like that at all. Am I makin’ meself cleah?”

The Archbishop’s minder, Bishop ‘Big Al’ Hopes, went on to say that within minutes of hearing about her successful blag of a cool $40,000 for promising an undercover News Of The World hack five minutes of vacuous chit-chat about golf clubs and skis with her ex-husband, the notorious Royal fixer Prince Andrew, the Holy See had made the Duchess an offer to exert her God-given gift for money-grubbing on behalf of the Pontiff.

Papal snitches say the offer is likely to include a rare, collectable Get Into Heaven Free card and a first option on the third vertebra of Cardinal Cormac Murphy O’Connor, whom bookies favour as odds-on to become a saint within a year of popping his clogs.