Judgment of Solomon Offers Way Out Of Political Deadlock

A royally-appointed surgical team is today preparing to divide Nick Clegg down the middle, giving half of the Liberal Democrat leader to the Labour Party and half to David Cameron.

“Both parties want Nick Clegg, but they can’t both have him,” pointed out consultant buzz-saw operator Yon Yonson, who comes from Wisconsin (he works in a lumber mill there). “The people I meet as I walk down the street say, ‘Hey, what’s your position on the importance of electoral reform?’ Since Mr Clegg seems to be the stumbling block which has paralysed the government of Britain at a crucial time when hard decisions need to be made, I have been asked by the Queen to remove the obstacle. She has been up since Thursday night, pumped up on Pro Plus and Red Bull, and she says she can’t stay awake forever waiting for these dozy sods to stop playing silly buggers and come to her with a viable government.”

“Well, that’s what Prince Philip told me, anyway,” he added.

Mr Clegg was ceremonially seized at dawn by parliamentary officials led by Black Rod, who expertly bundled him into the Woolsack and solemnly processed back to Westminster Hall, the time-hallowed venue for the traditional ceremony of dismemberment.

Tory leader David Cameron has also been dragged to Westminster, where his left side is being planed down in preparation for his forthcoming Clegg-graft. The limpet-like prime minister is still holed up in his Downing Street fortress - although unmistakeable sounds of subterranean excavation can be heard emanating from number 11, where Chancellor Alistair Darling is said to be co-operating fully with a crack SAS prime ministerial extraction squad.

“We will have to trim the left of Mr Brown’s body once he becomes available for a Clegg transplant,” said Mr Yonson. “This may seem bizarre, but I have been assured that Britain’s quaint unwritten constitution is quite clear on the matter. Party leaders must be spliced together according to their political beliefs. To do otherwise would be deeply undemocratic.”

Impatient European leaders desperate to come to some kind of working solution to the imminent meltdown of the entire continent’s economic structure say they are ready to be confronted by a bleeding horrific two-faced monstrosity from Britain, as they have plenty of previous experience in this area.

“It’ll be just like the 80s all over again,” said EU President Hermann van Rumpuy. “We managed then and we’ll manage now. Happy days.”