Home Secretary Orders Arrest of Westminster Same-Sex Partners

Theresa May’s first act as Home Secretary has been to issue a warrant for the arrest of a notorious same-sex couple whose cruising activities in Westminster have been exposed on the front pages of several national newspapers.

Mrs May – who has a long history of voting against gay-friendly legislation – has also been made Minister For Equality, in a move which has been hailed as the most imaginative appointment to parliamentary office since Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman gave the health portfolio to Count Dracula in 1905.

“If these two mincing nancies want to romp together in the same bed, what they do behind closed doors – no matter how offensive it may be to decent people - is their own sordid business,” she shuddered at a press conference today. “But surely, in the run-up to a general election, there were more important things to occupy our media than two raging poofters flagrantly sitting in a bed together.”

“This morning I picked up my morning paper, only to drop it right into my bowl of bran flakes in horrified disgust,” she went on and on. “There they were - bold as brass - all over the front page, acting out their stomach-churning travesty of a proper marriage. Now I like to think of myself as open-minded, but I just can’t bear to think what they’ll be getting up to with each other’s parties. They’re probably ‘touching base’ with each other, or whatever it’s called nowadays, even as I speak. It makes me physically sick. No, I really don’t want to think about it. Ugh.”

The flushed home secretary then went back to her office to think about it some more.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister David Cameron is expected to announce some policies what he wrote, after which his shoulders and cheeks will be slapped by Deputy PM Nick Clegg.