In his first major speech of the new year, proudly middle-class prime minister Gordon Brown warned Middle England that the sinister Conservatives were planning to implement a socialist agenda, the like of which has not been seen since the fall of communism a generation ago.
Addressing the Fabian Society, which was instrumental in founding the Labour movement a million years ago, Mr Brown spelled out the depth of hard-line socialism which now permeates Conservative thinking: "They have said that if you are middle class, you should not expect that children's centres will be available to you. That if you are middle class, child tax credits should not be available to you. That if you are middle class, there will be no child trust fund available to you. And so the Tories have planned a raid on the quality of life of our middle class. They want to take away middle class guarantees. And they have no account of future middle class jobs.
"It is only Labour - the party of those who help themselves - that offers a manifesto for the middle," he concluded, to rousing cheers from his speechwriter, Lady Thatcher. "Only Labour that owns the progressive centre ground."
When asked by the unquiet soul of Fabian Society founder George Bernard Shaw what he proposed to do to ease the plight of the working classes and the unemployed, Mr Brown explained his party's core beliefs in a simple but profound message: "Fuck 'em."
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