The scale of the devastation left by the huge earthquake that flattened much of Haiti yesterday is now becoming clear, thanks to the selfless tweeting of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Ben Stiller and that one out of Coldplay.
"many ppl just dont relise just how like HARROWING it can be for a schol full of cute little black children to get a ceiling on their heads!!!!!!!" said Hilton after her heroic 30-second effort. "hopefully ive like changed all that lol"
Lohan - who appeared on British TV screens over Christmas in Herbie: Fully Loaded - stirred her army of Twats into action with this deeply moving appeal: "omg ive just relised none of those hiatons had stunt doubles!!! shit guys this is 4 REAL hic"
Meanwhile, the Coldplay man took valuable time out from overseeing the hollowing-out of Exmoor to make the perfect home studio to remind people that he was a really caring sort of feelgood kind of guy who had actually been to Haiti once to give Oxfam the kind of valuable publicity that only a respected celebrity singer-songwriter can provide.
"People there live in these really cool shacks," he told his concerned fans. "It's really ethnic, but unfortunately the structural integrity of their authentic shanty dwellings may have left something to be desired in the face of a scale 7.2 earthquake. Go on, pop a quid in a tin, you'll feel so much better. I know I did."
Dazed Haitian survivors took time out from scrabbling frantically through the wreckage of Port-au-Prince for their families' mangled remains to express their tears of gratitude at the unprecedented amount of OMGs they were receiving.
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