Government Commits Snowbound Nation To Unwinnable War on Weather

In a disturbing escalation of the current crisis, Cobra - the government's emergency committee - met this morning to coordinate Britain's response to the Arctic conditions which are still gripping the ice-stricken nation.

"Make no mistake," said a more than usually grim-faced Gordon Brown, "Western civilisation is engaged in a war on weather, which must be won at all costs. Using powers granted to me by myself while you were busy watching reality shows, I have passed emergency laws to impose draconian restrictions on the possession and deployment of salt, until our leading scientists have found out more about this mysterious new substance and where it comes from. I faithfully promise that this country will not be held to ransom by evil foreign threats to turn off the salt tap."

Much of Britain's shivering population is now reduced to scattering crisps along the pavement leading to the corner shop, in the desperate quest for one more loaf of bread to add to the two dozen already growing mould in the cupboard.