Communities secretary John Denseham sensationally brought down the old barriers dividing rich and poor today, with a heartwarming speech in which he declared the battle against racism officially over and announced Labour's ground-breaking, vote-catching plans to eradicate discrimination against chavs and bankers forever.
"Every darky in Britain kin naa fack orf back to woreva they cam frum an' let aw them uvva terrorist canniboes in their tribes know that racial discrimination in Britain is a fing uv the past so dan't bovver camin' over 'ere to fight it no maw innit," he declared, to cheers from all parties.
Mr Denseham then went on to announce that the biggest threat to harmony in Britain today was the age-old iniquity of class prejudice.
"Them middle-class wankas, they hates aw you poor hardworkin' white doleys on yer cancel estates, wiv ya Burberry clogs an' ya six nippas an' ya K-reg Astras wiv da fackorf big twin exorst an' the full body kit," he warned as he launched a review on race policy which is expected to report just in time for the election. "We'll look aht faw ya, naa giz ya votes."
Quickly whipping off his hoody top to reveal an Armani suit, Mr Denseham continued: "And the same cruel injustice can be fairly said to apply, in equal measure, to the tiny, beleaguered banking community who have so enriched our lives whilst eking out a humble living for themselves on our shores. Middle England is, even as I speak, whipping itself up into a threnody of murderous hate - cynically orchestrated by odious, scaremongering rags such as the Guardian and the Independent."
"Now, if you wouldn't mind reaching for your shareholders' wallets, we have the small matter of a £50m election campaign to bankroll," he added.
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