Children aged five may be too young to be expected to read, but seven is the perfect age to make informed career choices that will dictate the rest of their lives, according to the government.
In a trial scheme to be rolled out in employment goldmines such as Coventry, Gateshead, Manchester and Plymouth, seven-year-olds will be given jobs advice and shown the meteoric career trajectories they can expect to follow - provided that they try really hard to remember what the letter that looks like a little bridge with a chimney next to it is called.
"For reasons unknown, chavlets living in inner-city areas have unrealistically low expectations regarding what they can hope to achieve in life," said a spokesman for the Department for Children, Schools and Extended Quasi-Family Units. "Many of them are already starting to aspire to their parents' chosen paths - but, sadly, not everyone in this world gets to be a repeat offender, or a volunteer in the sex industry."
The department is keen to emphasise that the scheme is not about making children decide what they want to be, but showing them what is possible if they study really hard and go to university.
"Regardless of your background, if you set your sights high enough there's nothing to stop any child from pursuing the graduate route into a glittering world of flipping burgers, showing shoppers how to use an automatic checkout and fast-talking pensioners into replacing their perfectly adequate double glazing," Schools Secretary Ed Balls told a group of schoolchildren in Manchester, as they learned how to strip a Smith and Wesson.
"If you really put your little hearts into it," he promised, "There's no reason why you too shouldn't enjoy a lifetime of earning huge sums of money to pay off your student debts."
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