Authorities in Nova Scotia's Cape Breton National Park are desperately trying to track down two coyotes which killed a young Canadian folk singer, in the hope that the ferocious creatures can be trained to rip out the throats of exasperating, vapid pop celebrities.
Singer-songwriter Taylor Mitchell, 19, was on a solo hike through the woods when the furry music critics unexpectedly struck. Fellow hikers heard her screams - but by the time they realised she was not wailing an impassioned folk-song about getting back to nature or the perils of globalisation, it was too late to save her.
"The eastern coyote is normally a shy, reclusive animal, hiding away from humans in its den with a pair of headphones and a stack of original John Coltrane vinyl," said mountie Benton Fraser, who - together with Ray, a grumpy New York cop who is technically outside his jurisdiction - is leading the hunt. "In extreme circumstances they have been known to take the occasional stereo from campsites, when the constant blare of college radio and AOR is really getting on their nerves - but there are very few documented cases of them actually expressing their disapproval of a particular musical style in such a direct manner."
He then ate some coyote poo, grossing out his American colleague.
"If we can capture these noble beasts alive then hopefully, after weaning them on a diet of Lady Gaga, Kanye West and the X Factor twins, we can release them into the urban environment and put them on the trail of other nauseating, pestilential fame-addicts," mused Constable Fraser. "Just imagine the excitement of going to a Morrissey gig to see a slavering pack of coyotes bound onto the stage and chew his wrinkly, whingeing face clean off."
"If only my pet wolf Diefenbacker wasn't blessed with deafness, you know, I'm sure he'd be only too willing to lend a helping paw in a mass pop cull," he added politely. "Even so, deaf as he is, just the sight of the Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys on a magazine cover has him angrily worrying the news-vendor's leg."
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