Childless adults are tonight barricading themselves inside their homes as best they can, ready to face the annual festive Halloween celebration of the brain dead.
"This is a solemn Christian festival, sanctioned and sanctified by Hallmark and countless other devoutly-minded multinational corporations and humble pound shops, in which simple God-fearing churchgoers pay reverence to the dear memory of their departed friends and relatives by dressing themselves up in plastic tat, covering themselves in fake blood and victimising vulnerable, lonely people in their own homes," said a man dressed imaginatively as a zombie.
"It's their own fault, the weird bastard perverts," he added. "If they get dogshit pushed through the letterbox, it bloody serves the miserable freaks right for turning milk sour, molesting small children and animals and not being out on the streets themselves, besieging other isolated, vulnerable recluses like all decent folk do."
Halloween - or Arse Holes' Eve as it used to be known - is a much-loved children's tradition dating back to 1978 and the release of John Carpenter's original film, in which American teenagers are hacked to death by a masked maniac in a fairly obvious metaphor for the taboo subject of sexual awakening.
"Before then, it was a case of going along to evensong and singing a few boring hymns," said Archbishop Walter Mart, as he prepared for his sacramental duties by dressing up as an undead pirate bearing absolutely no resemblance to Johnny Depp. "But today it is a fun event for all the family to teach their children to treat the elderly with no respect whatsoever - and that extortion with menaces is perfectly acceptable behaviour, as long as it is sanctioned by the popular media and printed in diaries."
Card retailers and supermarkets are hoping to build on Halloween's successful marketing exercise next year, by promoting the populist debasement of another obscure date in the church calendar, Michaelmas.
"It is a tragedy that so many days in the year condemn people to the misery by having no corporate-approved means of enjoying themselves at other people's expense associated with them," said a family fun-loving spokesman for the British Retail Consortium. "We've gone for St Michael's Day primarily because September is traditionally a bit of a lean month in the pointless, throwaway crap market sector."
"What nicer way to celebrate the feast day that marks the archangel St Michael's pious founding of a high-street food-and-knickers chain than by rampaging through residential areas dressed as fucking enormous daisies?" he added. "Preferably with bloody great scythes, or some kind of modified strimmer or flymo that can be rammed into an old git's face."
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