Liverpool captain Steven Wellard and Troubled Singer Whiny Shithouse are appearing in court today, to explain why beautiful, talented stars like them must retain the right to twat any member of the unwashed masses who gets within punching distance.
"This bloke moved towards me and my mates in a nightclub," explained Wellard to the judge and jury at Liverpool Crown Court. "It was immediately obvious to me that he didn't have any talent or beauty at all, like. So I reached behind him as he came closer with my special telescopic arm, grabbed the back of his jumper and swung my fist around a few times. I don't remember what happened next, but when the red mist faded I was told that each swing struck him right in his untalented face. If only I could get that kind of 100% accuracy when I'm on the pitch."
Meanwhile, Whiny Shithouse was telling the City of Westminster magistrates why she laid into a dancer at a charity ball in Berkeley Square.
"Like this dozy slapper she cam apta me wiv 'er arm ap, like she reckon she's allowed to like taach me or sumfink, innit?" slurred the Troubled Singer. "I wuz like, 'Naah!', and she's all like, 'Yeah?', right, an' I give 'er face a gennle shaav like, wiv me knuckles? I'm like, 'Git away fram me, y'skanky caah, I'm like rilly scared?', right? Cos I'm only like five foot three - okay, six foot six if you caant me 'air innit. Peepo are like rilly rude an' mad an' shit these days, innit, cos like they can't 'andle their drink jenoworra mean? I swear I dunt know where they gits it from, I dunt straight. Sawtid. Kin I fack orf 'ome naah, mate? Me divawce jass caam froo like, an' I wanna git aht and git shit-faced wiv me girly mates innit?"
Liam Gallagher of Oasis, meanwhile, is said to have booked himself onto an anger enhancement course, after inexplicably failing to leap into the crowd and kick the living shit out of a fan who splashed his coat with lager.
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