The BBC is holding crisis-level talks to find a new Saturday night vehicle for the towering genius of Graham Norton after the world's richest potato, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, cancelled his latest plug-for-a-forthcoming-musical masquerading as a talent show after somebody remembered the corporation was supposed to have strict rules about commercial advertising.
"Every single licence-payer is contributing £20 to Graham's salary this year, so we feel we should at least put him on the telly occasionally," said director-general Mark Thompson, just before heading off to an undisclosed 5-star location for a series of emergency meetings.
Norton - whose completely original camp style owes absolutely nothing to such outdated gay stereotypes as Frankie Howerd, Danny La Rue, Kenneth Williams, Larry Grayson, John Inman, Michael Barrymore, Dale Winton or Julian Clary - reportedly locked himself in his dressing-room, otherwise known as the top floor of BBC Television Centre, when producers broke the news to him that Totally Saturday had been axed after audience research showed that care-home residents were willing themselves to die rather than sit through it. He is now thought to be flapping around uncontrollably, with health and safety advisors desperate to reconnect him to a primetime hit before he causes serious damage to the BBC's case for another increase in the licence fee.
"Audience figures for The One And Only may have matched the title, and Strictly Dance Fever was about as popular as swine flu crossed with MRSA," said a BBC spokesman. "But you have to admit that, when fronting a musical-based talent search on behalf of Lord Potato-Head, nobody can do the links between acts with as much edgy panache as Graham."
One suggestion being considered by BBC heads is to cast Norton as the companion to Matt Smith's new Doctor Who, which began filming on Monday.
"It would mean reshooting a couple of scenes," said script editor Stephen Tuffet, "But looking on the bright side, I suppose we wouldn't be asking the audience to put up with two ginger assistants in a row. And any alien would think probably twice about conquering the Earth, if it had to go through Graham Norton first."
Meanwhile, TV audiences have been bombarding the BBC with their own suggestions for showcasing the irritating leprechaun-creature, although Mr Thompson pointed out that most of them would, by their terminal nature, only be suitable for one-off shows rather than a thirteen-week format.
"Apart from the one involving the removal of Graham's internal organs one by one, without anaesthetic, as decided by a phone poll and a panel of experts," he added. "We've put together a production team to flesh out the proposal."
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