Gordon Brown has stormed round to BBC Television Centre with his sleeves rolled up and shouting for Jeremy Clarkson to "come outside and face me like a man", after the TV presenter called the prime minister "a cunt" during the warm-up to a recording of Top Gear.
BBC2 controller Janice Hadlow later confronted Mr Clarkson, but did not order him to apologise after voters in Norwich - and, subsequently, many Labour MPs - confirmed the inescapable truth of the statement.
Nevertheless, Downing Street aides report that Mr Brown threw his bowl of cold porridge across the kitchen when Mr Clarkson's comment was reported on breakfast TV, then stamped out in his shirtsleeves vowing to "rip the cock clean off that smug Sassenach twat and ram it so far down his throat he'll be pissing out of his arse for the rest of his miserable life".
Mr Brown was later captured on CCTV at a Central London branch of Costcutter, where he ran out without paying for a bottle of own-brand whisky - presumably to fortify himself for the forthcoming punch-up.
When he arrived in Shepherd's Bush, Mr Brown relieved himself against the car park barrier before staggering around shouting for Mr Clarkson, who was in fact at home in Chipping Norton, extracting his latest opinions from the top of his head for the enlightenment of readers of the Sunday Times.
"Gordon Brown, eh? What a piss-faced, shit-eating, ball-wrenching cunt," the Repton-educated Mr Clarkson told reporters, as speech-recognition software simultaneously transcribed his words of wisdom and emailed them directly to Rupert Murdoch's presses.
Meanwhile, back at Television Centre, Mr Brown was repeatedly punched to the ground and kicked by a growing queue of BBC staff, assisted with enthusiasm by passing members of the public until Lord Mandelson arrived in a New Labour ambulance and took the insensible cunt back to his cage to sleep it off.
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