Sunday 19 July 2009

Britain's Problems All Solved By Barbecues In Streets

According to organisers at Cornwall's Eden Project, two million people turned out in their streets to give swine flu to the noisy bastards next door and provide free advertising for the Eden Project by taking part in 'The Big Stunt'.

"I think it's been a great sucess," said spokeswoman Rhona Hurcome-Tocornwall. "People have already said that eating a couple of half-cooked sausages on sticks in the middle of the road has brought a deep and lasting joy to their tragic, desolate lives, and that they will be sure to drive the length of the country to see how the world has been single-handedly saved by the Eden Project, Bodelva, Cornwall PL14 1SG, www.edenproject.com, open 9am-4.30pm - family tickets a snip at £38, online discounts available."

"Eating a sandwich in the drizzle outside me warm, dry flat with young Cody-Lee, who tells me he's just moved in down the street, has really opened me eyes to what a great bunch of people the British really are," enthused Liverpudlian father-of-three Jimmy O'Dowd, "For two pins, right, I'd bundle the kids into the car right now and do a 600-mile round trip to see a flippin' great big greenhouse. Only I can't seem to find me car keys all of a sudden, like. Or me car. Or Cody-Lee."

"Will you excuse me for a moment?" he added, "I'm just popping indoors for five minutes to look for me shotgun."

Street parties have been taking place in hundreds of locations - including 10 Downing Street, where host Alistair Darling was wondering why so few Londoners were partaking of his tasty lard sandwiches.

"I can't understand it," said the Chancellor of the Exchequer, waving a soggy black-and-white photocopy of the flag. "I was really hoping the reclusive Scottish bloke who lives next door to me would be tempted to abandon his lonely ways for an hour and mix with the happy, smiling British public. But he hasn't showed up, and neither have they."

Eden Project founder Tim Shit declared that the day had been a huge success - repairing Broken Britain, banishing the spectre of recession, creating millions of real jobs, ending conflicts all over the world and doubling ticket sales for the Eden Project.

"And my very good friends at EDF say their nuclear and coal-fired power stations have been working overtime to fuel all that cooking, too," he smiled. "So everyone's a winner."

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