The government is considering a call from researchers at Imperial College London to carpet-bomb all public meeting-places and nail everyone's doors and windows shut, in a desperate last-ditch attempt to prevent every living thing on the planet from dying from horrible piggy death.
"Ve do not vish to spread undue alarm or panic about vot is, after all, a very minor health threat," said lead researcher Dr Neil Strangelove, "But you are all going to die screaming in unendurable agony, unless ze government does exactly as ve say. Schools, shops, cinemas, sporting venues, pubs und clubs und vorkplaces must be closed down vizout delay und bombed into oblivion by ze Luftwaffe - sorry, of course I mean ze RAF - or, better still, by ze deployment of strategic nuclear weapons. Meanwhile, such of ze population as remains should be entombed in zer homes immediately, vere zey can die decently vizout making anybody else cough."
"Ze only exceptions to zis policy should be a few scientifically-selected specimens of superior breeding stock, who vill emerge from zer bunkers to found a new und better society, free from all of ze infections und taints of ze failed democratic experiment," continued Dr Strangelove, who seemed to be having some difficulty in controlling his arm.
Meanwhile, hard-pressed doctors are being overwhelmed by cases of 'trench hand', caused by hygiene-obsessed women who insist on impregnating their hands with antiseptic gel every time they open a door, use a tap, press a button or handle money. The condition is often accompanied by the dreaded 'trench bum', which is the result of repeatedly smearing the buttocks with gel before sitting down.
No comments:
Post a Comment