The Home Office has reduced the terror threat level in the UK to "Aaargghh!!!" - the first time it has been changed since 2007, when it was raised to "AAARGGHH!!!".
"In the light of mounting evidence that the population of Britain has not, in fact, been blown to bits, a terror warning indicating the universal certainty of violent death is no longer considered to be appropriate," said Home Secretary Alan Johnson. "We have therefore downgraded the warning to a more realistic level. The government is happy to tell you that, thanks to the tireless work of the forces of law and order, you are all now only going to be horribly maimed."
"But we would still advise jumpy white bigots to let the police know whenever anybody with a beard moves into the neighbourhood," he added. "You can't be too careful."
Meanwhile, the government moved its Health Threat Warning up from "Eek!" to "OMIFUCKINGGOD!!!" as swine flu continued to rampage unchecked across the front pages of the red-top comics.
British Airways and Virgin Atlantic have now installed vicious, unpredictable ED-209 robots at Heathrow to blast suspected swine-flu carriers to shreds, while the NHS swine flu website has finally gone online after a month-long delay - allowing the nation's panic-stricken medieval peasant throwbacks to email their constant demands for Tamiflu into the void of cyberspace, and providing welcome relief for hard-pressed doctors' surgeries.
"Thank Christ for that," said Dr Foster, a Gloucester-based GP. "If one more hysterical shithead bursts through my door demanding a crate of Tamiflu for their hay fever, there is a very real danger that I may finally lose my patience, punch their lights out, wrap the blood-pressure measuring cuff around their stupid skull and pump it up until their head implodes, so help me God."
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