An obscure 30-year-old former DJ, Royster, promised an end to New Labour dictatorship and an new era of good governance in his inaugural speech today, after being installed as President of Britain following his sudden rise to power in a populist coup.
After making a dangerous reputation for himself in student politics by writing a series of hard-hitting soap reviews, Royster was subsequently forced to spend many years as a political exile, roaming the seven seas as a stateless disc jockey and entertainer before settling down to build his powerbase in the Canary Islands.
"Be assured that Britain - or as it will soon be known, Roysterland - is a friend to every nation and citizen in the world," the fresh-faced head of state assured the international community, which has threatened sanctions and questioned the legality of his presidency - which he attained in unprecedented circumstances by persuading Gordon Brown to take part in one of his magic tricks, from which the prime minister mysteriously failed to emerge.
Three days after being confirmed in charge of the country by a constitutional court made up of former colleagues from UPSU's governing committee, Royster inadvertently swore a series of foul-mouthed oaths in front of shocked religious leaders, his cabinet and judges.
To cheers from the assembled crowds, Royster promised "the end of dictatorship, of waste in the management of the state's affairs, the end of the lies ... empty promises that have for too long stifled Britain's political life."
"Coming up next, though, it's back to 1974 for Ray Stevens' classic novelty hit, 'The Streak'," he added. "But first, here's the news on the hour from the Nev Filter."