Saturday, 21 March 2009

Baby Causes Britain's Irratiometer To Oscillate Violently

The pendulum flew off the national mood swingometer today, as the British public - who, only days ago, were clamouring their support for former health secretary Patricia Hewitt's proposals to not prosecute those who help incurable, pain-wracked relatives to travel abroad to die with dignity in assisted-suicide clinics - furiously demanded the death penalty for doctors who obtained a court order allowing an incurable, pain-wracked baby to die with dignity.

'Baby OT', who had a rare metabolic disorder, brain damage and respiratory failure, died today after the Court of Appeal authorised medical staff to turn off the ventilator which was maintaining the child's agonised, futile existence.

When the death of Baby OT was announced, however, Harriet Harman's Court of Public Opinion swiftly yanked the gears of the national mood into reverse, causing a terrible grinding noise as the public's brains turned somersaults in their heads.

"This is eugenics, pure and simple, as practiced without mercy by Hitler and his warped cronies," said a irrational schizophrenic shopper in a Waitrose car park. "When these so-called medics forget their Hippocratic Oath and grant themselves the right to choose who lives and who dies, we are living in the Fourth Reich. To me, someone who is enduring the unspeakable agonies of an incurable, failing body looks like some wrinkly old fart in a wheelchair, and I don't mind them being sent on their way early."

"My parents, for example, are living far too long and are of no use to anybody," she continued, "And I can just see their valuable house being sold to pay for care in their twilight years, leaving me with absolutely bugger all. So if I want them humanely killed to end my financial suffering, why the hell shouldn't I be free to pack them off to a Dignitas clinic? Whereas this is a cute widdle baby. Aww."

The Nev Filter went out into the streets to ask the public how many years of unbearable suffering they thought the baby should have endured before its cuteness faded enough for them to feel comfortable about putting it out of its misery, but only received funny looks.

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