Sunday, 15 March 2009

Kind-Hearted Brits Donate Pint of Milk to Bankrupt Celebrity Piss-Artist

A deeply-moved nation has rallied round to buy Kerry Katona a pint of milk, following revelations in this morning's People newspaper that she is now so poor she can't afford one.

The fresh pint of Sainsbury's Taste The Difference semi-skimmed was left on her doorstep, following a quick whip-round by a sympathetic public.

The washed-up former Atomic Kitten told the media that she had no idea where all her money had gone and said she had called in celebrity cash guru - whatever the fuck that is when it's at home - to try to track it down.

Frank Cochrane says he will begin with the mammoth task by attempting to count all the empty lager cans piled up in ceiling-high pyramids all over Ms Katona's home.

"Kerry does not have a pot to piss in," he told reporters. "She's relying on family and friends, but to be honest they're getting pretty fed up with her pissing on them and now they're telling her to hold it in until she can stagger to the lavatory. And because she is bipolar she has the attention span of a fruit fly. And because she is a total fuckwit she publicly pissed her entire fortune against the wall even as she was strenuously denying that she had a drink problem. And finally, because she's a spiteful bitch she claims her estranged husband has probably got all the money hidden in a mattress."

"She'd bloody better have something left somewhere, because my fee will be based on a percentage of anything I recover," he added. "And for keeping a poker-straight face while I'm spouting horseshit about what a little saint she is, I think it's safe to say I'll be wanting a pretty packet."

Meanwhile, the warm-hearted people of Britain say they are currently searching eBay for a piss-pot for the impoverished celebrity waster.

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