Britain's financial meltdown was brought to a swift conclusion by the news that an evil couple who defrauded the nation's coffers of £43,000 in benefits have been declared guilty of causing the recession. Supervillain Shashi Bacheta and her malevolent sidekick Jeffrey Cole have been sent to prison for ever.
The pair were discovered to have embarked on a voyage round the world aboard Mr Cole's £100,000 yacht Kismet, after benefit fraud investigators found snapshots of them in Gran Canaria on somebody else's blog.
Judge Huw Davies reminded the thwarted scoundrels that ocean yachting was an activity reserved for decent, upstanding members of the community, such as bankers, company directors, property developers, Russian billionaires and any politicians with whom they happened to be on good terms.
The nation rejoiced at the halting of the couple's nefarious, economy-draining activities, and an overjoyed Prime Minister declared that Monday will be a special bank holiday, in which everyone in the country lucky enough to still have a job will be entitled to hit an Unemployed with a rolled-up copy of the Daily Mail and abuse them grievously.
"A yacht is not for recreation," pointed out Sir Terry Leahy, CEO of Tesco. "As any corporate executive worth his salt will tell you, a yacht is for visiting suitable offshore tax havens in which to set up wholly-owned investment and property-management subsidiaries, thereby avoiding the tiresome business of paying tax."