The former home secretary Charles Clarke has warned that his massive ears have detected whisperings in the community at large that Labour are perhaps not as popular as they used to be.
Writing in the New Statesman, the elephant-eared Mr Clarke – now a part-time model for toby-jug sculptors - said the government may possibly be “destined to disaster” and “utter destruction” if it does not change.
“Thanks to my mutant pachyderm DNA I can tune into the slightest whisper anywhere within a 200-mile radius, enabling me to detect faint rumblings which are completely inaudible to other politicians - and I overheard a bloke in a pub in Derby telling his mates he was beginning to wonder about Gordon Brown,” he wrote. “But it would be completely wrong for anyone to suggest that, even though I am a leading supporter of the godlike Tony Blair, I am motivated by anything other than a purely altruistic desire to hold onto my Norwich South seat. That shambling, sour-faced misfit Brown knows that I have my ears to the ground. Even when standing up.”