Conservationists ‘Not Particularly Horrified’ By Plans To Introduce Polecats Up Beardy Tycoon’s Private Trouser Habitat

Meet the new Sid Vicious, you cardigan-bothering creep

Leading naturalists have given an enthusiastic thumbs-up to plans by long-suffering victims of Virgin Trains to introduce angry polecats into the luxuriant trouser paradise owned by Sir Richard Bastard, it emerged today.

The polecat scheme follows hard on the heels of the grinning billionaire’s unwelcome announcement that he intends to transplant non-native lemurs to Moskito, the Caribbean island he bought in 2007 for £10m. Animal protection charities and environmentalists united in dismay, warning that the intelligent, aggressive omnivores would swiftly become the dominant species on the island, devastating its fragile ecosystem and threatening extinction for the rare dwarf gecko.

Bastard responded to the worldwide outcry by pointing smarmily to the wholehearted approval he had bought from the government of the British Virgin Islands.

“Like me, lemurs are endearingly fuzzy and everybody wants to hug them,” he oozed. “But geckos are just ugly, sucker-employing reptiles, unloved even by their own mothers - like Lord Sugar, in fact.”

Sir David Attenborough is just one of many leading conservationists to endorse West Coast mainline passengers’ plans to introduce up to 30 ferocious, starving polecats into the accounts-shuffling businessman’s private trouser hideaway.

“Reports indicate that the humid interior of Richard Bastard’s trousers hosts an abundance of large, succulent plums and other fleshy delights for these particularly vicious members of the weasel family to sink their needle-sharp teeth into,” he observed. “Sir Richard can hardly object, as he is clearly a close relative.”

Branson Unveils Plan to Bugger Up Airport

Richard Branson has expressed an interest in Gatwick Airport, in the event that the Competition Commission orders Spanish-owned BAA to reduce the number of airports it operates.

The Virgin Atlantic supremo told the media that he was looking to form a consortium.

“I’m very keen on buying Gatwick,” said the bearded tycoon, “But only with somebody else’s money.”

“Well, let’s all hope he doesn’t cock it up this time,” said the Nev Filter’s resident business expert. “After the trains, the cola and the vodka, any credibility he might once have had must be wearing pretty thin by now. I mean, he’s been dining out on signing the Sex Pistols for thirty-odd years now. Have you watched Virgin One lately? I rest my case. Branson is about as cutting-edge as a beige tank-top.”

Transport industry insiders say that, if the plan comes to fruition, Branson will no doubt pull some typically tiresome publicity stunt - perhaps with his toy spaceship, or maybe with some kind of pretend Zeppelin - and will probably re-brand the busy international gateway as ‘Spaceport: Earth’, or something equally daft.