George W Bush has expressed his disappointment at the lacklustre performance of Hurricane Gustav, which missed the abandoned ghost town of New Orleans and has now been downgraded to a Category One storm.
“I passed up the Republican party convention for this?” complained the president, who went to Austin, Texas with vice-president Dick Cheney in order to get a ringside view of the anticipated devastation. “I missed the show here three years ago, but I came down afterwards and everywhere you looked there was utter devastation. It looked like it musta been awesome. Back then, everyone was saying I oughta have been there sooner, so this time I took their advice and booked in advance. Well, thanks for nothing, losers - I missed out on a standing ovation from my loyal, drooling fanclub, thanks to you.”
Meanwhile, British TV screens are filled with images of rain-lashed streets in America, taking viewers’ minds off the rain-lashed streets outside their windows.
Along with every other UK news provider, the Nev Filter sent its top reporter to New Orleans hoping for shocking live coverage of marauding looter gangs and corpses floating in the floodwaters.
“The fact that I’m standing here, soaking wet, on a blustery New Orleans street instead of being flung dramatically into the stratosphere indicates what a damp squib this story has turned out to be,” he reported via his mobile phone. “I said last week, you should have sent me to the Caribbean. Hold on, there’s a chap over there struggling with a collapsed umbrella, do you want me to interview him? Sir, you’ve lost your temper completely and your brolly is in ruins. Do you think the authorities should do more to help?”
Meanwhile, oil companies rubbed their hands together in glee as they found yet another spurious excuse for raising their prices.