The whole of Britain has been celebrating the unexpected good news that one teenager has managed to get through the entire weekend without being stabbed to death.
Jack Thompson, 17, managed to escape the grisly, needless fate of the rest of his entire generation, thanks to his parents locking him in the attic from Friday afternoon to Monday morning.
The sullen, pallid youth grunted unintelligibly at reporters as he climbed down the ladder onto the landing, before shutting himself in his room and turning the music up. His mother Becky, however, sobbed with relief as she told reporters how happy she was to be the only parent in Britain today not mourning the meaningless death of her child.
“It’s been getting worse lately, hasn’t it?” said Mrs Thompson. “Just look at the papers. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. Jack spent all of Friday evening moaning that all his friends were texting him, telling him about the wonderful time they were having, but the messages tapered off over the weekend as, one by one, all his schoolfriends were brutally murdered by each other. I’ll let him out next weekend, though - as he’s now the only teenager left alive in the whole country, there’s nobody left to stab him to death over some completely trivial matter. Of course, there won’t be any parties for him go to – still, at least he can have his pick of funerals.”
Jack was expected to spend several hours on the Playstation while playing CDs irritatingly loud, until leaving later this afternoon for his shift on the checkout at Tesco – where his future seems assured, as there will be nobody to replace him for three years.