Britain’s parents are to receive a booklet from the government, advising them on how to tell whether their child is in a gang, and what to do about it.
According to the Home Office, concerned parents need to be aware of the following tell-tale signs.
If you are a single-parent family, live on a council estate, use buses, are poor, read the Sun or the Mirror, or watch every episode of Coronation Street – your children are probably already hardened criminal desperadoes. Haul your monstrous spawn to the local police station, or call for an armed response unit.
If you live in the home counties, own a nice house and a couple of decent cars, read a proper newspaper, keep the children indoors all the time and are middle-class – there is nothing to worry about. To keep your children on the straight and narrow, vote Labour.