Tuesday, 2 September 2008

East Anglia Enders

Cambridge University has approached soap scriptwriters in the hope of breaking down its elitist image.

The university has written to EastEnders, Coronation Street, Top Gear and Doctor Who in the hope of attracting more applicants from state schools, specifically by pointing out the financial packages on offer.

“Ideally, we would like a multi-programme crossover story,” said a spokesman. “Perhaps Doctor Who and his bubbly new assistant Bianca could challenge Jeremy Clarkson to a race to Cambridge, starting from Manchester - which I’m told is some ghastly wasteland near the North Pole - to see if his TARDIS is faster than a Bugatti Veyron. When they got here, they’d find the university under attack from the Ice Warriors, led by the evil Wilmott-Brown and his human sidekick, Hilda Ogden. Mr Clarkson could defeat the Ice Warriors by airing his forthright views on foxes and environmentalists, which would raise the temperature by several degrees, while the Doctor would send Wilmott-Brown and Hilda back to their own time zones.”

The spokesman went on to say that, in return for this, they would receive bursaries of up to £200 per semester to help with the rising cost of domestic servants.

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