Millionaire Released From Prison After Terrible Misunderstanding

Convicted fraudster Conrad Black was released from Coleman Federal Prison in Florida on bail today, after the US authorities agreed that prison was certainly no place for a wealthy tycoon and it was probably all due to some ghastly mix-up.

“Our federal and state prisons are positively bursting at the seams with poor people,” said District Judge Amy St Eve. “That is who they are designed for. They are clearly not the ideal base of operations for a wealthy and cultured peer, whose only misdemeanour was to thoughtfully divert $6m of his shareholders’ money into his personal bank account so he could watch over it all the more carefully for them. If he didn’t tell them, why, surely that is because he would have felt deep embarrassment at the thought of being lavished with fulsome praise for such a typically selfless and charitable act.”

Lord Black's release comes after the Supreme Court ruled that one of the three laws used in his prosecution was a bit vaguely worded in places, making it all but certain that he had in fact done nothing even slightly questionable at any time in his entire life, as is usually the case with ruthless megalomaniacs who secretively micro-manage their vast business empires via an impenetrable tangle of mystery accounts.

The former proprietor of the Daily Telegraph initially applied for leave to return to Canada, as he was pining for the rugged forest slopes of his homeland. However, he kindly agreed to make do with his luxurious Palm Beach residence instead, while his lawyers worked out how much the federal authorities should reimburse him for the unimaginable torment of sharing a lavatory with the poor for a couple of years.

Whine About This, Holmes, You Sexless Empty-Headed Jowly Cry-Baby

Talentless, simpering, dough-faced TV gutbucket Eamonn Holmes is probably in tears as he reads this unnecessarily spiteful and deeply personal attack, said the Nev Filter today.

The satirical website made its unwarranted slurs in response to the insipid suit-bursting nobody’s complaint to the BBC about a sketch on Jon Culshaw’s The Impressions Show, in which the boring breakfast TV and Sky News parasite was depicted eating a sofa, a jockey and a vase of flowers.

Inviting the nonsensically egotistic lardarse to do his worst, the Nev Filter expresses the opinion that it is sadly typical of the spineless drones who now infest BBC management suites to roll over and apologise for the cardinal sin of making a joke in a comedy programme.

“Come on, fatboy, do your worst - because I’m not retracting a single word,” Nev is quoted as saying. “Everybody knows the only reason you’re taking up sofa space on our screens is because your wife Ruth Langsford - whom producers mistakenly believe has some sort of MILF appeal – doesn’t dare leave you alone for five minutes in a house with a freezer full of bacon and oven chips.”

Media commentators agree that cannibal piggy Holmes will have to take his place in a long line of outraged self-important nonentities with a grievance against the Nev Filter.

“To give just one tragic example, national treasure Stephen Fry hasn’t stopped sobbing his lovably baggy eyes out after being taken to task for caring more about his collection of Apple toys than Chinese workers’ rights by some fat beardy internet troll in Plymouth,” says a BBC spokesman. “Shit.”

“On behalf of the BBC, I hereby offer an unequivocal grovelling apology to Nev for the outrageous and unjustified slur I’ve just made,” he adds.

Russian Donkey Worriers Still Struggling With Finer Points Of Capitalism

Russians are still failing to grasp the key principles of capitalism a full twenty years after the collapse of the Soviet system, following an unfortunate flirtation with advertising which saw small children traumatised for life by a screaming donkey zooming over their heads.

The terrifying incident took place on the Sea of Azoles coast in the Krasidyot region, when the owners of a private beach strapped a donkey to a parachute and towed it aloft, convinced that its squeals of fright would in some way prove a subtle but irresistible draw to holidaymakers.

Animal-loving parents below were so outraged that they whipped out their cameras in dismay, filmed the donkey’s aerial torment and sent the deeply disturbing images to news channels with a shocked invoice.

“The donkey screamed and the children cried and the parents saw an opportunity to make a few easy roubles,” commented regional police spokesman Larisa Tuchkova, after footage of the parasailing donkey was aired. “No one had the brains to call the police. We could have shot it out of the sky whilst filming it all in HD, and split the profits 50/50.”

The businessmen responsible for the outrage – who may be prosecuted for animal cruelty, if officials can find any such law buried in Russia’s hastily-rewritten statute books – are still struggling to understand their error.

“Perhaps yowling donkey not really appropriate inducement for small children,” one of them told reporters. “Next week we try higher-pitched animal, like dolphin.”

Cameron Invites Communities To Go Empower Themselves

David Cameron arrived in Liverpool today to launch his much-heralded ‘Bag Society’, in which all the services you pay for will be handed over to interfering old bags.

“This is all about empowering communities and empowering individuals,” the prime minister told a passing Scouse pigeon. “Believe me when I say I want to empower you bandy.”

Mr Cameron went on to tell a pair of fighting seagulls that he had a vision in which he would continue to help himself to the contents of your wallet, while a bunch of self-appointed busybodies with free time on their hands would apply their lack of appropriate skills and huge sense of their own importance to taking schools back to the good old days of rote-learning and the cane, replacing the library’s horrible video disc things with wholesome Enid Blyton books, shunting horrible new building projects out of their areas and into yours, nosing through your rubbish and arresting anyone they thought might be looking at them funny.

Several gentlemen of Liverpool then descended upon Mr Cameron, suggesting that he may wish to consider empowering himself sideways, before removing the wheels from his ministerial car and leaving him totally empowered up beyond all recognition.

Hedge Funds Invent New Way To Make Life Intolerable

Hedge funds today began to implement their latest wheeze, which is to buy up the world’s entire food chain and amuse themselves by watching you offer increasingly desperate sums of money for it.

The latest inspired development in macroeconomics began this morning, when Armajerko fund manager Anthony Wad became the sole owner of all the cocoa in the world.

“Mmm,” smiled Mr Wad. “Just imagine five billion bars of tempting dark chocolate. Because that’s all you’ll be doing from now on, scum, unless you give me all your money.”

Other hedge funds are already reported to be circling the world’s cereal crops and the vast cattle ranches of South America whilst, elsewhere, fund managers were eagerly donning aqualungs to see if there were any significant fish stocks left worth monopolising.

Boeing Flatliner Finally Lands At Farnborough After Three-Year Delay

Plane spotters were thrilled by the first UK appearance of Boeing’s 787 - nicknamed the Flatliner - when the new airliner finally landed at the Farnborough Air Show after being slightly delayed by three years.

“I gotta tell ya straight - the 787 done missed its slot, back along when the airlines still had the cash to throw around,” confessed a Boeing sales rep called Hi I’m Bud. “It’s been in a holding pattern ever since, jes’ waitin’ for the global economy ta buck up. But after three years of goin’ round an’ round in circles, we hadda declare a fuel emergency - ‘cause if we wait any longer, we’ll never be able to pay for filling the damn thing up again.”

The Flatliner may look exactly like every other airliner since 1957 but, thanks to its flimsier construction, it uses slightly less fuel than the other airliners it looks exactly like, said Hi.

“Yessir!” he proclaimed, wiping beads of sweat from his brow as a middle-aged beardy man with binoculars wandered into Boeing’s lavish corporate hospitality tent. “When you’re savin’ 50 gallons on each and every flight, why, in no time at all you’ll recoup the $180m you laid out on this sleek mama! And boy, do we got crazy P-X deals to die for, or what? Did I say ‘die’? Atta air show, f’chrissakes? That shows ya how crazy I am! Tell ya what – why don’t ah take that rusty ol’ A380 clunker off yore hands for ya, buddy, an’ I’ll give ya a full 20% discount off the sticker price on the windshield! Whaddya say, ma friend? Do we got a deal?”

After some hard-headed bargaining, the determined Mr Hi finally made his sale.

“For the keys to my mum’s old Y-reg Daewoo, I’m walking away with a brand new intercontinental airliner,” chuckled a delighted Mr Martin Handasyde, 54. “But between you, me and the gatepost, all I was really after is this fantastic limited-edition ‘B-17 Flying Fortress’ flying jacket which he threw in as a sweetener.”

“I’m not actually 100% sure the Flatliner will fit in mum’s drive, to be honest,” he reflected, as Hi I’m Bud hastily zipped up the tent-flap. “Do you think I could mount it on a plinth in the back garden? It’ll give the neighbours something to look at.”

Labour Hopefuls Urge Mandelson To Stick To Lying

Three of the androids in the Labour leadership contest have rounded angrily on Peter Mandelson, after an unprecedented five days of the party’s liar-in-chief telling the truth.

“Lord Mandelson told lies for fifteen years, and performed a great service to the Labour Party in doing so by dragging it, kicking and screaming, into the era of modern politics,” said the Miliband clones, in unison with unconvincing pretend-lefty Andy Burnham. “But if he can’t tell spectacular whoppers any more, then the party has no further use for him. He should retire immediately from politics, preferably by opening a window and turning to dust in the sunlight.”

Among the revelations disclosed to a shocked public in the Times’ serialisation of his memoirs are the following astounding-but-true insights:

- Tony Blair didn’t like Gordon Brown very much;
- Neither did anybody else;
- Once Tony Blair got it into his head to do something, it was jolly difficult to change his mind.

Meanwhile, Tony Blair himself has been left fuming, as Lord Mandelson’s memoirs beat his own forthcoming book into print.

“Look,” he told reporters, “You want lies. Britain wants lies. I’m a straightforward lying kind of guy. Britain thrives on lies. The Labour Party thrives on lies. Above all, I thrive on lies. Peter Mandelson lied for me. He lied for his party. He lied for Britain. If Peter can’t lie any more, who can Britain turn to? Who can the Labour Party turn to? Buy my book when it comes out in September, and you can read all the lies you want.”

Hated BBC To Be Closed Down

The hated BBC could well see the licence fee cut within a year, said James Murdoch today, without moving his lips, as the first step towards eradicating the evil, thieving corporate monster which has blighted your lives by cynically giving your money to its staff.

Mr Murdoch’s hilarious dummy, Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt, had reporters in stitches when he added: “Now take your hand out of my arse, daddy’s boy.”

Sky viewers, meanwhile, were reported to be ecstatic about the outstanding value for money they received from their monthly subscriptions, as long as they could continue to have football matches beamed directly into their eyeballs for every waking second of their lives.

Facebook Users Demand Ripper’s Release

Millions of British Facebook users are demanding that the social networking site act swiftly to secure the immediate release of their beloved anti-hero Peter Sutcliffe, the Yorkshire Ripper.

“obviously im to young to remmember the rippers trial of terrier cos it was like back in the 8ies which was like way b4 i was born,” explained fan-page creator Sammi-Jo Bloggs. “but my dad ses his escupaids kep ppl intertaned 4 like months rofl wich in my mind sort of makes him evan more heroic then ruoal mote, cos like he only managed a week init”

Sammi-Jo created the page on hearing that Sutcliffe’s application for a minimum term to be set had been turned down by a high court judge, which means the merciless mass-murderer, who terrorised women across the North of England with his sadistic attacks, will spend the rest of his life in prison with no chance of parole.

“omg its pleece state britten it aint like suckliff blowed he victums awa wiv a shuta is it,” read a typical comment from ‘Codeylee’ on the page’s message board. “e offed em humanley wiv nuffin more dangous than a hamma then e cut em up wiv a stanley an a scrudriva wich is like not cuvverd by the firarms ack atall right xx”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” commented a Home Office spokesman.

Priests With Tits? That’s Like Fondling Small Boys, Explains Pope

Moving in a mystical way that has even left God scratching his head, Pope Benedict XVI has condemned the attempted ordination of women by a Catholic pressure group, calling it “a grave crime” which is as serious as child abuse - although the Vatican later stressed that although one is clearly as bad as the other, in fact it isn’t and anyone who can’t see the distinction is a wicked heretic.

The latest papal declaration of nonsense is a response to futile but determined attempts from Catholic Women’s Ordination to drag their medieval superstition kicking and screaming out of the 11th century.

“The Holy Führer has carefully examined all of his collected paintings of Christ and his disciples, and can confirm that each and every one of them has an unmistakeable cock-shaped bulge in their garments,” explained Cardinal Charles Scicluna, the Vatican’s sex crimes investigator. “And although His Holiness is no clearer on what a magnificent pair of charlies might look like than the rest of us, he’s pretty sure none of them have any. Well, that about clears that up, doesn’t it?”

“We’ll set aside for a minute the absence of any liturgical requirement for a penis to be waved around during services,” retorted Mrs Doyle of Catholic Women’s Ordination. “According the Pope’s own logic, the only people who should be ordained as Catholic priests are Jews living in the Middle East. Now correct me if I’m wrong, father, but haven’t I heard somewhere on the radio about the Jews in the Middle East being generally quite into the whole Jewishness thing in a fairly big way?”

“Nevertheless,” she conceded, “Despite this apparent mismatch between supply and demand, I’m prepared to accept that all the priests in the world fulfil the Pope’s strictly Biblical criteria, if you and the Holy Father will lift up your cassocks and show us all where you had the snip. Go on.”

“Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on,” she added.

As a purple-faced Cardinal Sicloony called for the implements of holy persuasion to be brought forth and displayed to the witch, billions of people around the world somehow managed to go about their daily business undisturbed by the vital theological debate.