Priests With Tits? That’s Like Fondling Small Boys, Explains Pope

Moving in a mystical way that has even left God scratching his head, Pope Benedict XVI has condemned the attempted ordination of women by a Catholic pressure group, calling it “a grave crime” which is as serious as child abuse - although the Vatican later stressed that although one is clearly as bad as the other, in fact it isn’t and anyone who can’t see the distinction is a wicked heretic.

The latest papal declaration of nonsense is a response to futile but determined attempts from Catholic Women’s Ordination to drag their medieval superstition kicking and screaming out of the 11th century.

“The Holy Führer has carefully examined all of his collected paintings of Christ and his disciples, and can confirm that each and every one of them has an unmistakeable cock-shaped bulge in their garments,” explained Cardinal Charles Scicluna, the Vatican’s sex crimes investigator. “And although His Holiness is no clearer on what a magnificent pair of charlies might look like than the rest of us, he’s pretty sure none of them have any. Well, that about clears that up, doesn’t it?”

“We’ll set aside for a minute the absence of any liturgical requirement for a penis to be waved around during services,” retorted Mrs Doyle of Catholic Women’s Ordination. “According the Pope’s own logic, the only people who should be ordained as Catholic priests are Jews living in the Middle East. Now correct me if I’m wrong, father, but haven’t I heard somewhere on the radio about the Jews in the Middle East being generally quite into the whole Jewishness thing in a fairly big way?”

“Nevertheless,” she conceded, “Despite this apparent mismatch between supply and demand, I’m prepared to accept that all the priests in the world fulfil the Pope’s strictly Biblical criteria, if you and the Holy Father will lift up your cassocks and show us all where you had the snip. Go on.”

“Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on,” she added.

As a purple-faced Cardinal Sicloony called for the implements of holy persuasion to be brought forth and displayed to the witch, billions of people around the world somehow managed to go about their daily business undisturbed by the vital theological debate.