Mugabe Hit For Six

Zimbabwe’s presidential limpet, Robert Mugabe, is said to be reconsidering his position in the light of the UK government’s threat to bar his country’s cricket team from playing in England next summer.

“I’ve had to endure an awful lot of name-calling lately over my relentless intimidation of the opposition,” said Mr Mugabe, “Not to mention my lamentable mismanagement of the Zimbabwean economy. However, by bravely announcing this ban on our cricketers, Britain has shown real moral backbone. As if it isn’t enough for us to lose our place in the Twenty20 World Cup, other countries might follow their lead and ban us from participating in the World Scrabble Championships and the Lions’ Club International Stamp Collecting Convention. Perhaps this is God’s way of telling me that it’s time to step down. Words cannot properly express my admiration for this British political master-stroke.”

In a further development, the US has said it will not recognise the result of Friday’s presidential election.

“We’ve got a good track record here,” said a federal spokesman. “If we’d recognised our own presidential election results in 2001, Al Gore might be running the country and not just making slideshows about the environment.”

“Never mind, Robert,” executives of mining conglomerate Anglo-American told the beleaguered president, “We still love you. Here’s £200m for a platinum mine.”