Tulisa Sex Tape Gives Cowell Worst Idea Yet

Ahem

The sex tape of X-Factor judge Tulisa Cuntostavlos which, by the damnedest coincidence, happened to surface on the internet just in time for the launch of her debut solo single is disappointingly shonky, but nevertheless a bloody good reason to keep her on the panel, says TV overlord Satan Cowell - adding that it has inspired him to develop an entirely new format which will further hasten his carefully-planned apocalypse.

“I urge every bird who is fit as fuck, at least in her own little mind, to send me her sex tape,” leered the unholy multi-millionaire who has somehow gained complete mastery of the world’s tellies. “The most disgusting – and I do mean that in every possible sense of the word – will result in an invitation to debase yourself live on stage in my latest masterpiece of broadcasting, The XXX Factor.”

The Cowell thing is already recruiting a judging panel of drooling Z-list has-beens whose careers have reached the point at which they will actually be glad of the opportunity to pollute themselves into a communal bucket for the amusement of idiots.

“Noel Edmonds is quite keen,” he smirked. “Half a pint keen so far, in fact, and he hasn't even seen any tapes yet.”

A spokesman for Ofcom, the body which is nominally responsible for maintaining some sort of standards on TV, said: “On the one hand this is the worst kind of cynical exploitation of human folly, the merest channel-hopping glimpse of which will surely degrade and corrupt viewers into a state of permanent imbecility. On the other hand our demon lord has decreed it. So it’ll be on ITV, seven o’clock tomorrow evening. Don’t miss it.”