Fire Hose Up Arse Makes Cowell’s Dead Eyes Revolve Like Fruit-Machine Reels

Cowell's enema face

According to the must-read book serialisation of the century, brought to a grateful and eager nation by the Sun, Simon Cowell’s soulless cadaver is routinely reanimated by the appliance of high-pressure water hoses to the rectum of his decaying corpse.

“Every Saturday morning we receive a hoarse, rasping call from beyond, requesting the urgent services of a water appliance at a residential property in West London,” explained a spokesman for the London Fire Brigade. “It may seem a gross misuse of our resources to pump 600psi up Simon Cowell’s jacksie until laser beams shoot out of his eyes, but the lads have checked the small print of their employment contracts and, technically, bringing the Lord of TV Darkness back from the underworld counts as a lifesaving act.”

“Our crews were never trained to handle a situation as traumatic as this. The chief’s recommending the poor buggers for bravery medals,” he said, adding: “If Cowell kept a Minogue handy in a glass case, he wouldn’t need our help at all.”