‘Now What Am I Supposed To Have Done?’ Demands Cock-Waving Eamonn Holmes

Waddling TV disaster area Eamonn Holmes is demanding guidance on what the fuck he actually can do live on television nowadays, after causing red faces at ITV by whipping ‘little Eamonn’ out, waving the wizened appendage at a self-confessed sex addict on This Morning this morning and inviting her to satisfy her craving forever by impaling herself on it.

A sweating press officer later stammered: “Eamonn's question was in the context of a wider balanced and frank interview – no, really - and he insists he has had no complaints.”

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The on-air faux pas is the latest in a series of Holmesian gaffes. His previous ground-breaking daytime TV firsts include: telling a rape victim she ought to be bloody grateful to be getting it at all with a face like hers; kicking actor Jonathan Wilkes around the studio for being “a spacky mong fuckwit”; and – through what he claimed later to be “an honest misunderstanding” - urging half-Lebanese guest Salma Hayek to rub baby oil into her mouth-watering breasts and insert a selection of vegetables up co-host Ruth Langsford, whilst he pleasured himself furiously on the sofa.

Holmes later justified his performance on Twitter, saying: “We all make mistakes. But I’m paid to.”