BBC switchboards have been jammed with the outraged sobs of wives and girlfriends, who claim their child-like enjoyment of Christmas has been ruined by the stupid prank as their tiny-cocked partners forced them to watch Jeremy Clarkson, James May and their hamster take pot-shots at a cardboard cut-out of the mystery racing driver who won a court battle to reveal his identity in a book earlier in the year.
“The frizzy man drived up in his car and he pointed his nasty gun at the helmet man and he went bang with it and there was a big hole in the helmet man’s head and I was scared and did a poo,” cried little Sue Hart, 34.
“my daughter samijoe says its alrigth cos its not like a reel man reely its just pretend,” emailed Michelle Hoskins, 25. “but i scremed and hid in my room my spechal frend dave just sat on the sofer and lafed and did a big smelly bottom noys hes not my freind any more im not hideing the sosige with him any moor this crismas so he can go away and play with himself until janiury”.
The BBC’s Head of Entertainment And Events, Katie Taylor, later issued a statement saying she had just about had enough of that nonsense and if viewers didn’t calm down RIGHT NOW then Father Christmas would take their bloody presents straight back to the North bloody Pole, then stamped off to the kitchen to have a fag.