Michael McIntyre Seeks Last Few People Not Yet Irritated By Patronising Smugness

Why is there never a bus around when you need one?

The world’s most inexplicable stand-up comedy success, Michael McIntyre, is joining the panel of professional irritants on ITV’s brain-dead freak show, Britain’s Not Talent, in his personal quest to annoy the living shit out of the last few people in Britain who have not yet enjoyed the pleasure of imagining his insufferably smug act ending prematurely under a hail of blunt and satisfyingly heavy objects.

“Michael McIntyre has a rare talent for inspiring undying hatred in everyone who has ever endured his snobbish, patronising travesty of a stand-up performance,” his agent, Satan, told reporters. “There isn’t one panel show that hasn’t been permanently blighted by his smarmy hamster face with its huge, permanently-arched eyebrows and his arrogant, condescending attempts at wit.”

“Anyone with an ounce of self-respect already loathes Michael’s supercilious aura of supreme self-satisfaction,” he added, “Which is why, in order to complete the challenge I set him and complete his own franchised branch of hell on earth, his last remaining task is a judging spot on my favourite son Simon Cowell’s God-forsaken idiot parade.”

In his wholly unnecessary career spanning eleven long years, only the Daily Mail now rivals Mr MacIntyre for uniting the British people in a collective desire to see the Home Counties smitten forever from the face of the earth by pestilence, flood or nuclear disaster.

“As a precaution, prior to each show Amanda Holden will be subjected to a full body search for concealed hammers, frying pans and wellies before she is allowed to sit within striking distance of him,” added Satan. “I’m pretty sure her soul is mine now, but there’s no need to take any chances.”